Alone
I know you are there
I can hear your voice
I can see your face
but somehow I still feel alone
Empty shell
anything worthy inside?
all things I have done
and for what?
to be alone
I try to have an open heart
that should be hard as steel
instead it is soft and brittle
bearing on me always
tears cry out and pain stabs on
hoping that one day will feel
better than the one before
love exists this I know
why do I feel so alone?
The moon glistened in the darkness, the waves crashed in time with the echoing roar of the wind, the lady slowly placed her foot into the water and then pulling it back out as she felt the coolness the water now had. Walking now with a slow stride, the sand tossing between her toes as she makes her way down the distance of the beach towards the house at the end with the blue door. “The blue door”, she thinks out loudly. “Why did we ever paint that door blue?”, she slumped her head slightly as she continued, and upon reaching her house she stopped for a moment wiping her feet on the mat outside the blue door as if she was in a daze. She puts her hand out to turn the knob and hearing the clicking sound she remembers she must begin to forget what haunts her. Once inside her house, she looks around her, seeing everything in place she goes to lie down, hoping rest will ease her as she had hoped the walk on the beach would. “Hello, honey”, says her husband as he hears her come in the house, “how was your walk?” She sits on the couch, slumping her body, looking up in the direction of her husbands’ voice, “A little too cold I believe.” He sighs to himself, as he had hoped she would find some peace when they moved here, the ocean can be so harmonious, but nothing seemed to be making her feel better, how long had it been now? She puts her feet up on the couch and lies down resting her head where she can see out the window, “It really is a beautiful moon though.” Her husband looks up at her smiling, “It sure is, supposed to be a full moon next week.”, he says trying to keep conversation going. ” How long will I continue to feel this way?”, she asks her husband, looking at him weakly. He looks at her, seeing how wounded she looks, looking far more aged than her years, trying to think of something positive to help ease her mind he says, “Everyday seems better sweetie, it takes time.” She looks at him trying to force a smile, as she knows he just says what he thinks she needs to hear, but she knows nothing will ever get better. Standing up from the couch she walks towards the bedroom, glances in the mirror and sees the reflection of the woman staring back at her. “Who is this?” she thinks to herself, I don’t even feel like I know myself anymore. A single tear begins to fill up in her eye, she thinks out loud to herself, “Not this time! ” . Everyday was a battle for her, she felt as though she was losing everyone she knew, everyone she loved. All she wanted was to be better, to be like everyone else. She longed for her family to know she loved them and to be loved back, she had lost everything that had meant anything to her, all except for her husband. He had stood by her everyday, moving them to the ocean once everyone else had cut her out of their lives, painting the door blue because it was her favorite color, now she hated it. Blue reminded her of things she had loved, of being so wrong, and how everyone hated her, she wished things would change. Getting uneasy with her sadness she decided to get some sleep, after all, tomorrow has to be better, right?
The young woman sat peering out the window, small drops of rain glistening as her face begins to feel the coolness of the glass. She begins to drift away into deep thought, longing for emotions other than loneliness, anger, she begins to cry. Looking desperately for cause for such intense pain, she begins searching her mind eagerly seeking some kind of hope, some kind of light that will show her the way. Hopeless in getting any relief or solution she stops thinking and slinks down in her seat away from the window. Now loneliness and anger are replaced by fond memories of times when she felt nothing but happiness, no worries, nothing to stray her thoughts. Memories of times spent playing, climbing trees and being happy just to be around her friends and family, now she is reminded of her losses, loss of family, loss of friends, the loneliness returns. She begins to concentrate on what she has done to cause the loss, is she angry too often, is she too harsh on her words, was she not fun enough, was she sad too often, was she not around enough, was she too open with her words, and then she begins to think again “wait, no I was there, I showed them how much I loved them how could they not love me back? how could they hurt me so? how could they not see the pain i feel not having them around, what I would give to have them hug me. ” she begins to weep now, trying to find consolence in her thoughts, somewhere there must be happiness. Just as she began crying she suddenly stops after it seems no more tears can come, she feels numb and almost calming in her from somewhere unknown, what seems to have taken over her every thought every motion, her inability to find consolence has appeared and she has no memory of why she has tears, what made her feel so bad that she would cry? She gets up from her seat by the window, looks into the glass and sees something she does not recall being there before. She sees a face staring back, a blank look she cannot recognize, her own face. She decides she needs to rest, sleep will be good, as she lays for what seems like hours she can’t seem to find any rest. Tossing around trying to lay different ways only keeps her awake longer, as she finally drifts off to sleep her mind begins to speak to her again, telling her of memories she had wanted long forgotten, memories she had wanted to escape. But in her world there seems to be no escape, no way of finding that consolence she longs for, the love and peacefulness to last. Her dreams will continue to haunt her and maybe one day she will have no memory of them and then she can begin to feel alive again.